Hey, guys! Those were justfairy tales

Published 4:34 pm Tuesday, December 6, 2005

In the annals of dumb criminals, there’s one particular escapade that always ends badly for the culprits. One would think that by now even the severely cerebrally deficient thieves would learn from others’ mistakes.

At least once a year, some thug attempts to gain entry to a home by climbing down the chimney. Hey you nitwits! “The Three Little Pigs” was a fairy tale! Santa Claus and the chimney is folklore!

Oh well, like politicians getting caught compromising their oath of office, it will happen again and again. The most recent such event took place in Webster City, Iowa.

Javier Torrez, 20, was charged with trespassing after he got stuck in a chimney while trying to break into a house, police said. I’m surprised he was only charged with trespassing. But they couldn’t charge him with stupidity. That’s not a crime.

A neighbor heard someone calling for help near a vacant home and police found Torrez in the chimney in the basement of the home. All they could see was Torrez’s legs and feet sticking out.

Police said Torrez had climbed onto the roof and slid down the chimney before getting stuck. That’s safe deductive reasoning. What I mean is, I don’t think he would have robbed the house and then tried to escape up the chimney. Wiggling your nose won’t actually propel you up that chute.

I guess what most of these airheads don’t realize is that most modern chimneys have dampers in them just above the fireplace. And the throats of most fireplaces are very small spaces. Not only that, most chimneys are built with flue liners which are very small. Not even Barney Fife could slide down those. Just ask any brick mason.

I will stop short of suggesting that these bumblers go to the library and do research on chimneys. My guess is they would find that a very strange place.

Of course, I would think the police hope the bad guys keep trying this. That way, they don’t have to chase them, and they have what is often referred to as prima facie evidence. Prima facie is Latin for “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, here’s a picture of the idiot dangling in the fireplace.”

But then in California, I suppose a person caught in a chimney could come up with excuses that a jury would consider plausible.

“Yes, your Honor, those indeed are my legs dangling in that fireplace. You see I was considering trying out for Santa in this year’s Christmas play at the community theater, and I just wanted to rehearse a bit in advance. My house doesn’t have a chimney, so I drove around until I found one. And, yes, I know I should have gotten permission to rehearse there.”

As a kid, we had a fireplace in our house. It smoked more than it heated so my dad closed up the fireplace and hooked a wood-burning heater into the flue. I knew even way back then that Santa wasn’ t about to come down that chimney. He might climb in through the kitchen window, choosing splinters over soot.

In fact, most of the fireplaces I recall in my childhood were small and shallow. I was told that it was a real art to build a fireplace that would draw correctly and roll heat into the room. Back then, that room was often called the fire room.

By the way, the Latin for fire room is “keepus warmus.”

Now back to that thing about fairy tales and reality. I realize some people have trouble with the transition, a distinction that seemingly is a problem in many venues and is bipartisan sometimes when it comes to Republicans and Democrats.

I recall as a teenager observing where a flood had washed out a bridge, and a fellow standing nearby said, “Well I guess that took care of them damned old trolls.”

Of course he was just joking. At least I think he was joking, although he spoke kind of “gruff.” I never heard of him playing Santa Claus and actually trying to come down the chimney.



(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)