MOULTRIE, Ga. – 

While surfing the cable, I stopped on a program called “Mountain Monsters.” It opened with a statement from a deep voice that I think was meant to give the viewer the heebeejeebies. 

The statement said, “Appalachia holds most of the sightings of unexplained strange creatures in the country.”

Immediately I recalled another ill-produced program which said most of the moonshine in the country is made in those same hills.

I had an epiphany at that moment. I saw cause and effect.

Now on booze bottles, it doesn’t warn that the drinkers may see strange creatures, but casual observations over a period of years  can offer strong implications in that regard.

I noted in an earlier column that when I watch one of these shows it’s purely for comic relief. “Mountain Monsters” is downright slapstick. Characters with names like Huckleberry, Wild Bill and Trapper lead a band of hillbillies in pursuit of things that go “bump in the night.” They mostly just run around in the dark bumping into one another and yelling, “What the hell was that!”

They are armed with an assortment of weapons, ranging from high powered rifles  to double barrel shotguns. There’s about six or seven of them. The aforementioned three names are all that I can remember. I just refer to the rest of this motley crew as Idiot One, Idiot Two, etc., etc. 

My wife said it’s a wonder they don’t shoot each other. My reply was that they would if their guns were loaded.

Actually, this show gives slapstick a bad name.  It resembles the camera work from “The Blair Witch Project,” an alleged spooky movie that time has mercifully forgotten.

Then another epiphany. It could be that the moonshiners have invented these “mountain monsters” to keep people away from their  stills. Sadly that would be logical.

 In the episode I saw, Huckleberry has concluded that “Bigfoot” and the “chupacabra” are working together in their haunting endeavors.  He has further theorized that Bigfoot is using the chupacabra like a bird dog. I won’t explain chupacabra. You can Google it. 

I was informed while watching this episode that a whole new season of “Mountain Monsters” starts this weekend. On my cable it airs on Channel 327. That’s way up there in the nose bleed section of the cable.

Now I assume that some of these village idiots have wives,  children and grandchildren. And I wonder how they are affected psychologically with seeing their kin acting like blatant fools on television. It’s not like they are guest stars on “The Andy Griffith Show.” They are purporting reality.

In one scene these yahoos are all bunched up close together because they heard a noise, likely because one of them had dried beans for lunch. One says he gets the feeling that they are being followed. And they are. There’s a camera crew walking right along behind them eating Moon Pies and drinking pop. Go figure!

Initially it concerned me a little that some people probably believe that these bumpkins are actually chasing something real. After all, they can procreate and operate vehicles. But then I got to thinking that most of the segment of  society that would buy into such farce likely can’t count up to Channel 327.  Damage could be minimal. 

I won’t be tuning in to their “all new season.”  I would rather watch reruns of the previous presidential campaigns. But not by much.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)