We are currently in the midst of party time. Christmas gatherings and New Year’s bashes are all the rage as we proceed through December and early January. I’ve been to my share of these shindigs, but I must report that these events are often troublesome for me. I’m certainly no Grinch, but I have to tell you that the etiquette required and the terminology used at many of these get-togethers is confusing to a socially backward old boy from the country. I’m most comfortable when the party is a backyard barbecue where it’s OK to stab the meat off a grill and pull your drink out of a cooler. My simple reasoning for preferring this kind of event that is that if you dribble sauce down your chin it’s funny rather than a faux pas.

I ought to be better at behaving properly at these swanky gatherings. I’ve been fortunate enough to have some high-quality instruction in the social graces. My mama was death incarnate when it came to slouching at the table and putting ones elbows on the table. Additionally for the past 35 years my wife has continued to take up the torch and continue my education on how to conduct oneself at a fancy dinner party.

For my wife’s sake I make a gallant effort to dress appropriately, keep my mouth clear of crumbs and use the King’s English, but there are just so many nuances to proper party behavior — I don’t think I’ll ever get it completely right.

I mean what with salad forks, soup spoons, regular forks, fine linen napkins, water glasses, wine glasses and tea glasses, it’s easy to forget stuff. I’m the world’s worst at neglecting rules that forbid chewing with your mouth open, sticking your fork into a hunk of bread, supping your soup and sopping the gravy up with ones bread — all of which I have wrongly done in polite society at one time or another.

Ann Landers would have a field day with me.

There’s another problem I’ve had lately and it has to do with pronunciation and spelling of certain types of food. You wouldn’t think that would be such a big deal if you have been following the standard eating guidelines. If I’ve made a habit of saying “excuse me” after a big burp and not picking my teeth no matter how much corn is hung up in there, things should be fine. Nonetheless I have this strange problem with a topic that should not come up in polite society much less when one is using linen napkins.

Horse doovers.

This whole thing started when I heard someone talking about the menu for an upcoming party and they mentioned we would be having “light horse doovers” — at least that’s what I thought they said. My hearing’s not so good anymore since the doc cut half my ear off and an ugly sinus infection lowered my audiology grade to a C-minus, but that’s what it sounded like.

Confused, I tried looking up that strange phrase in the dictionary and the closest I could come was “hors d’oeuvres.” Once I found it my fears were confirmed because it looked like the pronunciation was just exactly what I’d heard. We would be eating light horse doovers — must be from small ponies. Thank goodness they weren’t heavy doovers, which might indicate that Clydesdales were involved. But seriously there may be some societies where eating those funky morsels may be a delicacy, but where I’m from they are used for fertilizer and starting up a fire when there’s no kindling around.

Best I can reckon it must be a French thing.

Since I’ve figured out what we are going to have to eat at that party my mind has been busily working on how to gracefully get out of it. Fake an illness, family emergency, or just a bogus case of heartburn at the crucial moment. Anything to avoid eating the dreaded horse doovers.

I’m certainly glad to continue striving to eat with the correct fork, wipe my mouth delicately with a white napkin and not stab at my meat, but there is no set of circumstances under which I’m going to partake of horse doovers. If I’m absolutely forced to eat them I hope there’s plenty of ketchup available. But no matter how you spell it — “hors d’oeuvres” or “horse doovers” it ain’t right to expect people to eat them.

Even I know that.

E-mail your etiquette tips to dar8589@bellsouth.net .