MOULTRIE, Ga. —

I got notices this week via emails that someone is doing background checks on me. Man I knew I shouldn’t have taken that watermelon when I was 15! 

The sender indicated that there might already be negative information about me out there, and he or she can help me get to the bottom of it. 

Actually, I think this is one of those scams where they try to dupe me into providing personal information or they expect me to pay a fee for their services. It’s a little different twist than the ones where they want me to help them slip money out of Third World countries (and I can keep some of it, ha! ha!)  

As for my background, I’ve never committed any felonies and very few misdemeanors. I’ve never tried to overthrow the government nor have I evaded my responsibilities as a taxpayer. And I don’t even own a trench coat.

Now I did oppose the Vietnam War. I explained during my military physical that I thought it was a tremendous waste of American lives. The sergeant agreed with me and noted my reservations. Then he put me in classification 1A. 

But that was many years ago, and I doubt my objections would be relevant now. And I did not run off to Canada.

As far as I can remember, I paid all the late fees on overdue library books, and I always get a permit before I burn off my pasture.

I’ve never streaked nor set fire to a paper bag filled with excrement and left it on someone’s porch.

As a teen-ager I did run a few gill nets illegally in the creek near my homeplace, but I think that would come under a “boys will be boys” heading.  Nor have I ever hacked into anyone’s computer system. There are times when I can’t even get into my own computer. 

I’m not planning on running for office so whether I inhaled or not would not make headlines. 

As well, I’ve never acted up on an airplane. It’s always been my position that once we get six feet off the ground, I’m at the mercy of the pilot and crew and will cooperate with them in any way possible if those actions result in us landing safely. And when I say land safely, I mean anywhere. If we land at the wrong airport but in the right city, then I’m not going to quibble about cab fare. Also, if someone does act up, I will sit on him until he can be turned over to the authorities. If the pilot wants me to lead the other passengers in song, I’ll give it my best shot. Just don’t let the selection be “Nearer My God to Thee.” 

I was not a big party guy during college because I was working my way through and really didn’t have time to do any of that stuff depicted in the movie “Animal House.” In fact, I was never in a fraternity. The nearest I ever came to that was what we called the “Yabba Dabba Doo.” After night classes at Georgia State, some of us working stiffs would sometimes go next door to Dante’s Down the Hatch in Underground Atlanta and listen to folk music and eat hotdogs steamed in beer. 

Now when the email said something negative might already be hanging out there,  I figure that’s just a tease. If they really had something on me, I think they would offer a morsel to really alarm me. 

Now I’m not saying I haven’t had fun along the way. Indeed I have. But catching over the limit of redbreast bream would hardly make me interesting to those who like to look for skeletons in closets.

By the way, Yabba Dabba Doo is not Greek.

(Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)