I thought maybe we could get through 2016 without hearing about someone getting stuck in a chimney. I was wrong. 

It happened in Tucson, Az., a few weeks back. A 26-year-old man had to be rescued by the local fire department. The news story about this adventure stated that the young man had locked himself outside the house, and this was his idea of solving the problem. He was wrong.

Apparently we have a lot of adults who believe in Santa Claus. If not, then we certainly have some adults who have no understanding whatsoever about fireplace construction. Maybe they should Google the subject.

Now one might think that so many of these rescues have been made (and there are a few instances where the person died inside the chimney) that word would get around that this is not something to attempt. 

Seldom do we hear of someone blowing himself up because he struck his match on a keg of gunpowder.  You see there, word gets around. And you don’t hear of many naked people attempting to play an accordion. That one speaks for itself.

Now I doubt few adults literally believe in Santa Claus. Therefore that leaves us with some people who haven’t a clue about fireplace and chimney construction.

Most fireplaces have what is called a flue line down the center. It may be surrounded by enough brick or stone to give the illusion of a large space, but most flue liners are rather narrow.  Also, a fireplace has a throat and a damper, meaning it gets smaller at the bottom opening and there’s sort of a trap door (damper) that must be opened so that you get enough draft to suck the smoke up the chimney.  So even if you could get down to the bottom through a very tight flue liner, then you would discover the damper. 

Let’s assume the damper is open. It’s still a very small opening. You can wiggle your nose all you want to and yell Ho! Ho! Ho! And it’s not going to change the dynamics of a well-built fireplace and chimney.

There have been instances where thieves tried to gain entry via chimneys. Perhaps the last book they read was “The Three Little Pigs.” Or maybe they saw someone drop down a chimney in a movie. Well, that’s the movies. And there’s a universal warning relative to such imagination: Don’t try this at home.

I would think climbing down a chimney would be way down the list of ways to regain entry. I would think tapping out a windowpane would be much more logical.

A good after-the-fact resolve would be to hide a door key outside the house. I’ve done that for years, and I’ve had to use that key a few times. Just don’t put a key under the doormat, over the door ledge or in one of those fake puppy poop containers. That’s way too obvious. 

Even if a chimney were wide enough and open at the bottom, I would never, under any circumstances, try to climb down one. I’m not all that claustrophobic, but just thinking about such gives me the heebeejeebies.

Someone said that it takes all kinds to make the world go around. And everyone has to be somewhere doing something. I’m thinking that I can accomplish being nowhere doing nothing before you would read about me being stuck in a chimney.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)