Dwain Walden is editor and publisher of The Moultrie Observer.

In the past 24 hours my emails have been inundated with diet proposals and propaganda. The volume is more than I’ve ever seen in such a short period. I have no idea why this is happening because these people don’t know me.

Of course I realize that even though they attempt to personalize these emails to get my attention — some of them even use my name — they are mass mailed with the general idea that if you shoot in the creek long enough, you’re bound to hit a fish.

And the reason they do this is that weight conscious people are always looking for the quick and easy fix when it comes to shedding pounds. They want a magic pill, a magic machine or maybe just some clothes that present the optical illusion of being thinner. The phrase “nominal cost’ is often used.

Here are some of the promotions:

One is called the “pure diet.”  It says you can work off your fat with “no effort.” “It’s fun, easy and all the latest craze.” By my count that’s four lies in two sentences.

Diets are not fun. I’ve never heard a person say, “Hey, instead of a night on the town with all the trimmings, let’s stay home and eat lettuce and drink prune juice.”

And if diets were easy, everyone would be thin. And “no effort?” Please don’t spit in my ear and tell me it’s raining.

Not long ago I got an email from a company that told me I could “think myself thin.” It said mind control was the key in this approach. It said you could talk yourself into not being hungry. Yea, that worked so well in Nigeria!

Next comes an offer of a fruit diet. It says “you can flush your pounds away.”  It’s called the “holy grail of diets.” The fruit is garcinia cambogia.  

Okay I’ll run down to the super market and ask them for some garcinia cambogia. I expect some glazed stares from the people in the produce department.

This fruit grows in Southeast Asia. But of course I can purchase it through the appropriate contacts that likely involve people in dark alleys wearing trench coats. Or if I happen to know someone going to Thailand this week, they might pick some up.

I did a little research and found that at this very moment there are roughly 1,500 diet plans being hawked.

And some diets are so absurd that one would think they were dreamed up in a bar after two drunks finished arguing the outcome of the 1962 World Series. An example is the tapeworm diet in which one actually ingests a parasitic organism that breaks down the digestive system to the point that you don’t want to eat. Parallel to that, you don’t want to live either.

You can find tapeworms in under-cooked meat or infected animal feces, just in case you want to know. But please be aware that it is illegal in the United States to buy and sell tapeworms.

I don’t ever remember this issue coming before Congress, but that’s how laws get passed. And as party politics go, I’m guessing there was some debate involving an argument that everyone should have the right to buy and sell tapeworms if they wanted to as implied in our Constitution …damned the background checks!

When all the smoke clears, losing weight is a “cause and effect” proposition of calories in, calories out. The methodology is the devil of it all.

And there is no “virtual diet” where you can just sit around and think about being thin and the pounds go away. However, I did try some yoga once, and after I got my legs in a pretzel formation, I couldn’t get them loose, which meant I couldn’t get to the Cheetos. I’m guessing, though, that wasn’t part of the strategy in that program.

Just got this email in: “Big is beautiful.”

(Dwain Walden is editor and publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985,4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)