This past week was “Shark Week” on cable television. It seems they have “Shark Week” quite often, and the conclusions are basically the same: There are many varieties of sharks and most of them will eat you. Now there’s a lot of other stuff in the documentaries, but the prevailing information has to do with their bite radius and jaw pressure. Most of the other stuff is purely academic.

It seems that man has long been fascinated with sharks. And I’m sure the fascination has something to do with the danger factor. Many people are fascinated by danger. Just look at how many people will gawk at a car wreck. One-on-one in a natural setting, man is no match for a shark. I don’t care how much weight one can bench press or how many belts he has earned in karate, the shark wins.

Now when I say man has always been fascinated by sharks, that’s sort of a rhetorical statement. I am not fascinated by them. I know they exist. I know they are dangerous. I do not want to swim with them. Simply put, I do not go where they are.

That’s the same logic I use with crocodiles and grizzly bears. They have their part of the world, and I have mine. Never the twain shall meet.

I have always been somewhat amused by the advice people are given if confronted with these creatures. They say if a shark attacks, hit it on the nose with your fist. I guess there is some logic in letting the shark eat your arm first. It might fill him up, and if you don’t bleed to death from the severed arteries, you might even be rescued. You won’t ever pick the banjo again, but you have to wonder just how many people who were attacked by sharks could pick the banjo before they went into the water. At least you can still pick your nose.

When it comes to grizzlies, they always say that if you are confronted by one, not to run. They say to look fierce and to not display fear. Be bigger than you are, they say. Why don’t they also tell you to sprout wings and fly. It would be just as effective.

And one night on television they were demonstrating how to tell the sex of crocodiles and alligators as if this is something we need to know. This has never been something I needed to know. There are a lot of tips I can use, many of them involving plumbing. But none involve sharks, bears or crocodiles.

They even demonstrated the process of gator sex identification, which involves flipping the creature over on its back. In my book, this would be termed “very problematic.”

The only way I’m going to know the sex of one of these creatures is for it to have on a skirt and high heeled shoes. I’m sure there is a profession where this knowledge is important, but nothing I do in this world is relevant to having such skills.

Now I realize that there are reasons to study these creatures. For instance, sharks are not known to have many diseases such as cancer. By studying them, scientists might find something to aid our medical research. Knowing that has some socially redeeming value of course. But “Shark Week” really didn’t get into that.

Someone once made an observation: You can walk out on the beach and yell “shark!”, and everyone will come running and screaming out of the water. But, you can walk into a smoky bar and yell “cancer!”, and no one tosses his pack of cigarettes into the garbage and heads for the door. I’m not saying that a shark has more common sense than man because a shark couldn’t keep a cigarette lit in the water anyway. I just wanted to use this analogy before I forgot it. That happens more easily as the years go by.

All this said, though, I am willing to bet that “Shark Week” has had more viewers than any of the presidential debates, despite the similarities of the feeding frenzies. Presidential candidates don’t seem to have enough danger factor, unless they get elected.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)