Dwain Walden

When I opened my e-mail this morning, I was asked by an e-mailer: “Dwain, are you disconnected?”

Now they tried to make this sound personal because they used my first name.

Now obviously, most of these approaches are purely marketing techniques. Here is someone who wants to sell me something that will “reconnect” me to whatever it was I might have disconnected from.

Now because I have vast experiences with marketing gimmicks via emails, I didn’t even open this one.

Simply asking me if I am disconnected is like asking, “How long is a piece of string?” Or if you plan to dig a hole, how deep is your property?

But I got to thinking about this language, and I thought to some extent, yes I am disconnected. I’ve become disconnected from a lot of my 401K. And because I’m having to scramble to try to make up the loss, I’m disconnected from a lot of bream beds I should have been exploring.

Marketing techniques run the gamut from the bizarre, to the folksy, to scare tactics, to sex, and so on. I’m savvy to marketing techniques that try to lure me with animation.

But actually, I’m entertained by some television advertisements. They are better scripted than many of the dramas. Ironically, some of the best produced are beer commercials.

I would like to point out to Geico Insurance that I like the little lizard with the English accent. But I detest that little stack of money with the eyes on it. And I turn the channel when the cave men come on. You might say, I disconnect.

And it’s not that I think it’s more probable that a lizard can talk with an English accent than say a stack of money would have eyes or that a man whose knuckles need shaving would become upset for being stereotyped. It’s just that I know what I like. I guess it’s kind of like a judge trying to decide if something is pornography or art. He’ll study the material for two months and rule on it.

But I will note that Geico was smart in its animation in these commercials. There won’t be any class action lawsuits over any of the three. You see, lizards can’t sue. I’ve seen some snakes in court, but never any lizards. And cave men are extinct. But let me clarify, I’m not saying that their mentality isn’t still around.

Then here comes a woman jumping up and down on a mattress and the glass of wine sitting on it doesn’t spill. I’m actually interested in that mattress. But it’s not about the wine not spilling. I don’t leave glasses of wine sitting on my bed. It’s about the mattress conforming to my body and giving me a good night’s sleep. Maybe if I buy one, I won’t dream about being chased by Indians who somehow got hold of some M-16s. (This dream, as you might note, is not historically correct. They should have been shooting arrows and throwing tomahawks at me.)

Furthermore, if I’m jumping up and down on the mattress, it’s because I won the lottery, and a glass of spilled wine would be a moot point.

But then that dream may have nothing to do with the mattress. It might actually be about the wine. I’ll have to study this for a couple of months and rule on it.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)