Dwain Walden

Years ago, I didn’t know what playing “air guitar” meant. Then one night I saw television coverage of an “air guitar” competition. I thought this was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. And even though I now know what it’s all about, I still think it’s pretty silly. That’s not to say I had never played “air guitar” in the privacy of my own back porch, I just didn’t know they called it that or that it had a following.

So the other night I saw some footage of yet another “air guitar” competition. Apparently this is a popular contest that has its preliminaries all over the country. Either we are getting really, really bored or really, really dumb. Or both.

These people get on stage and pretend to be hitting some hot licks on an electric guitar. The music actually comes from a sound system, of course. There’s a very good chance that the person faking it on stage doesn’t know a C chord from a D chord. Some of them may even be tone deaf. A few likely could be so bad at real music that they could manage to play a tambourine off key. Yet, one of these very people might win an “air guitar” contest.

The ones that I saw on stage would have gotten some pretty bad grades from me, not because of the fact that I can actually play a little guitar and might feel insulted by these imitators, but because they left out some key elements.

Here’s what I’m talking about. This guy walks onto stage, and suddenly he’s running his fingers up and down the neck of his imaginary guitar. Oops! He never even took it out of its imaginary case. Then, he never tunes it. He’s assuming that his “air guitar” is in tune, I suppose. As well, he never adjusts the controls on the guitar. Maybe he’s pretending he has “air roadies” who have already taken his “air guitar” out of the case, tuned it and sound checked it.

Another oops! He never fastened the strap. As well, I’ve never seen a guitar with the neck length that he’s pretending to play. Not only that, his left hand (the chord hand) and the right hand (the picking hand) are not on the same plane. It’s like the neck of this “air guitar” is extremely warped.

I don’t really know what criteria is used to judge the best “air guitarist.” I think facial expressions and body language have a lot to do with it. Some style themselves after Jimi Hendrix or Eddie Van Halen and others may emulate Bo Diddley or Chuck Berry.

Strangely, I’ve never seen “air banjo” or “air mandolin.”  I have seen “air saxophone” and “air piano”  though. These guys weren’t in competition. They just had too many drinks. And as foolish as they looked, it was much better than karaoke.

One advantage of playing air guitar is that you don’t get callouses on your left hand (or right hand if you are left handed). And when you get through playing one, you can bash one to pieces on the stage for effect, and you don’t have to spend money to replace it. Of course if a fight breaks out and you try to hit someone over the head with an “air guitar,” the story is not going to end well. Chances are, the other guy has a real chair and not an “air chair.” Another upside: No one can steal your “air guitar.”

And so now I must conclude that there are days in Washington, D.C., when we would all be better off if our elected officials would just play “air congressman.” While very little would get done, by the same token, very little would be spent. Maybe I’m just too cynical. 

(Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)