MOULTRIE, Ga. —

Some time ago, I noted that there are so many channels on television now that it’s difficult for the programmers to find enough stuff to put on them. And notice I said “stuff,” not necessarily entertainment. And then they show this “stuff” over and over.

Now I’m not saying that some of these programs don’t have any socially redeeming qualities at all, but I’ve run across a few that would require an electron microscope to discover that quality.

For example, the other night I ran across a food-eating contest. Now when I say food-eating contest, I really mean a condiment-eating contest. These people were wolfing down plates of garlic.  They were tearing into cloves of garlic like a politician slopping up PAC monies.

Now I would stay clear of anyone who engaged in a garlic eating contest… for more reasons than one. First, they could be harmful to themselves or others. Then there’s that garlic breath that could dissolve rust from a trailer hitch. They could cough or sneeze and chase all the vampires out of Transylvania.

A hot dog eating contest is downright gross. A garlic eating contest is insane.

 I like a little garlic on some foods. Generally it’s applied as garlic powder. A clove of garlic might last me all winter. But then a plate of garlic cloves … well, my last will and testament might make reference to a good portion of the leftovers.

This contest was downright silly. What does it say about a person whose claim to fame is that he or she ate a bucket full of food in a given period and bested several other such humans in the same game? But yet, unlike golf, these contestants actually have cheerleaders. Go figure.

I’ve never participated in any kind of eating contest. I never intend to do that. I just don’t see any point of pride in noting that my stomach can hold more than the  next fellow’s. I don’t see this ability being a skill or a talent.

If cable offerings have lowered to the point of eating garlic as entertainment, what could be next? Hubcap slinging? Watermelon seed spitting? Hog calling? Organized political slandering?  Oh wait a minute, we already have that last one.

Like I said earlier, not only do they show this stuff, but they show this stuff over and over.

I don’t know how many times the History Channel has shown “Ancient Aliens.” They make reference to “ancient alien theorists.” They attempt to link cave drawings to space aliens who might have visited earth thousands of years ago. But at least the people in these ancient alien shows call themselves “theorists.” The people pursuing Bigfoot claim “fact.” 

Any of us can claim to be “theorists.” You don’t have to have a college degree to do that. For instance, I have a theory that most of us have in our DNA the propensity to save ballpoint pens that have gone dry. 

And I have another theory that somewhere in the cosmos there is that place where umbrellas and single socks go. Maybe collectively they form that ring around Saturn.

I do not have an ancient alien theory. If I did, it probably would be that aliens came here and saw a bunch of people hurriedly eating big plates of garlic, and they left immediately because their mission was to find intelligent life.

Hey! An extreme irony just hit me … buying a “smart TV” to watch “Finding Bigfoot.”

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)