Japanese researchers have “discovered” that humans and cats can talk to each other. And there’s a guy on the internet who has taken these findings and published a book so that we can better communicate with our cats.

So I’m wondering why a culture that is incredibly advanced in medical science and technology would spend time talking to cats. But then this is also a culture yet to discover spoons and forks or how to pronounce Buick.

This book promoter says, “You can now learn to communicate directly with your cat and finally understand what they’ve been trying to tell you all along.” The book is titled “The Cat Language Bible.”

At the moment my wife and I don’t share our lives with a cat. You might notice that I didn’t say we don’t own a cat. The theory is that cats own you.

The cat is a peculiar creature. Have you ever noticed that a napping cat will suddenly decide it needs to be in another room for no apparent reason and will jump up and scamper that way, only to stop a few feet from its destination to bathe itself? Maybe the cat was dreaming that it was late for an appointment and on the way realized it recently had been eating sardines.

I’ve never really wondered what a cat was thinking nor have I wondered if the cat wondered what I was thinking. I’m sure cats have emotions. I believe on a certain level they think and express themselves.  But on a certain level, I think maybe a bullfrog does the same thing. But I’ve yet to hear of  a “frog whisperer.”

I’m not going to buy this book, not even for amusement. These are just theories. I do believe if a cat could really talk, it would ask why the heck do we diagram sentences and what’s wrong with ending a sentence with a preposition. And they would hang out in bars and discuss politics.

If I really want to read about cats, I  just turn to Mark Twain who had lots to say about his feline friends.

One  of the most astute of his observations was that if you carry a cat by its tail, you can learn things that you can’t learn in any other fashion.

And Twain thought cats could talk long before the Japanese got into this issue.

“You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does… but you let a cat get excited and get to pulling fur with another cat, and you’ll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it’s the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain’t so; it’s the sickening grammar they use,” said Twain.

Twain parlayed his observation and love for cats into all sorts of philosophical memes.

He noted, “One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that the cat only has nine lives.”

Still waxing philosophically Twain said, “Of all God’s creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”

Some people say cats are mysterious. And as to their independence, it has been said that if you call a dog, it will come to you immediately. If you call a cat, it will take a message and get back to you.

Twain said he was pulled out of the Mississippi nine times in mostly a drowned state before he learned how to swim. So he thought himself a cat in disguise. Maybe that initiated his love of cats.

He also theorized that while it’s thought that most of our species descended from the apes, redheads descended from cats. Well, maybe that’s why I like sardines. But yet I am not fond at all of raw milk. I wish I knew more about what was going on the day he made this particular pronouncement.

(Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)