MOULTRIE, Ga. — 

 I just heard a report that said American men on average are shorter than they were just four or five decades ago. They once were the third tallest in the world and now are 37th.

Another report from the Centers for Disease Control  said the average height for Americans has stabilized in the past 50 years. Men average  5 feet, 9 inches and women average 5 feet, 4 inches.

Now I do not challenge these findings. But I see some really tall people, some really short people and some in between. I’m one of those “tweeners.”

 I’m wondering if or why this information is important to us. Few of us aspire to play professional basketball. And there’s not a shelf in my house I can’t reach. Besides, I have a step-ladder. I can adapt, improvise and overcome! Oorah! And no, I was not in the Marines. I just like to say that once in a while. And as far as the adapt, improvise and overcome goes, well I was raised on a two-horse farm, and though that philosophy had no military connotations there, it was a viable one. Ever had cane syrup candy? It’s a third cousin to peanut brittle. You have to improvise.

My height has been measured on numerous occasions. But I’ve never been measured with the understanding that my stature was being compared to other people.  

So this information has no practical application for me. It doesn’t affect my annual income nor does it cause me any fear from wading in the creek. I can swim if necessary. 

Now someone had to collect this data, factoring that there’s almost twice as many Americans as there were 50 years ago and that short people from other countries have moved here in that time and have become citizens and have spawned children with their genetics. Also, as we get older we get shorter because gravity settles our joints.

I doubt there is socially redeeming value in this information, but then I’m not an expert. Experts work for NASA.

But couple this with other seemingly senseless research, and we must wonder what these people could have been doing otherwise.

Example: I went to Google and found research from Cambridge University that concluded in essence that Spiderman is not real. This study showed that really big sticky feet would be required to stick to a wall, making it virtually impossible for a normal sized human to have the characteristics of Spiderman. He would have to wear a size 114 shoe.

I’ve never once wondered if a person could mimic Spiderman nor if that’s Bullwinkle’s real voice. And right up front I would quickly have said “no” without using algebra. Well, maybe I am an expert. 

An Oxford University study concluded that most of your Facebook friends are not really your friends. Their research concluded that of 150 Facebook “friends”, only 4.1 would be considered dependable friends. I would question the .1 guy.

So what’s a dependable friend? I’ve been told it’s one who will help you hide a body. 

 But I don’t Facebook so I don’t care.

How about this one: Playing Tetris for just three minutes stops your craving for sex, alcohol and food. This comes from Queensland University of Technology in Australia.

Well let me tell those folks something: Get in a fire ant bed, and you can beat that time by two minutes and 59 seconds. 

Hey, maybe I’ll go for my PhD.

( Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com.)