Alvin Richardson

Based on my email inbox and various comments from around the community, it has become clearly obvious that this column has turned into an essential repository of sound guidance for living and journalistic significance.

With that in mind it seems only logical to review some of the key moments, history-making events and sage advice from 2016 so that readers may reflect on those pearls of wisdom, so here for your enjoyment is what we learned in 2016.

In January we learned that bullies (schoolyard and otherwise) eventually get their comeuppance whether it be a punch in the snout or marrying a spouse who completely turns the tables.

Thankfully we realized that revenge is a dish best served cold.

In February we discovered that even though formal education is important, many valuable vocabulary words are learned in dubious places away from the schoolhouse. Examples of these terms, such as guttersnipe (a person with no morals or manners), caterwauling (shrill, discordant sounds made by persons in distress) and collywobbles (an intestinal disorder marked by stomach rumblings and an inability to stand up straight), are all necessary to round out one’s training to carry on conversations in the upper strata of society. Additionally we learned in February that it is not acceptable to bring the umbilical cord from a newborn calf to Show and Tell time at school.

As we moved into March other lessons were learned. It was conveyed through this space that growing older may result in embarrassing moments. Talking back to a voice message on your phone and biting a sandwich that is still in a Ziploc bag were examples given. The moral of that story was that we must learn to laugh at these small issues because the worst is yet to come.

Moving into the spring our April schooling included such tidbits as recognizing the need to take great care while doing outside chores. As a prime example we discovered that snakes found in a bale of pine straw ranks right up there, and of course, is a proven cause of heart failure. Other items of interest along those lines included not kicking cow patties on a hot day as well as two stimulating theories on how to win an argument with one’s wife were discussed, although after reflection and experimentation it was found that neither one works.

In May and June we discovered other important tips for living. One was that there is some value in closely inspecting that hat you left outside on the porch before clamping it down on one’s head. Wasps and bees love to hide in those places and the result is predictable. We also learned that no matter how good your driving record is, it’s always best to listen to your wife’s instructions lest DEFCON 1 is reached and all-out war comes to pass.

In the heat of July we came to realize that although old age slowly saps the coordination, strength and eyesight, there are still days when old guys rule and that especially applies to golf outings with young whippersnappers. Quite gratifying, too, I might add.

In August we were reminded of the dangers of a dreaded disease. WHAC (Weed Aversion and Control) can be hazardous to your health and the side effects of medicines said to cure it can be even worse. Abnormal hair growth, blue urine and bizarre dreams about lions, tigers and rattlesnakes are among those side effects, the worst of which is the rattler scenario.

September’s advice was simple. Never try to paint the inside of your daughter’s new house with three other females in charge. Better to go outside and cut the grass. Too many chiefs are always a bad thing. Only problem is there’s never a lawnmower around when you need one.

In October we discussed how climate change could cause a hurricane that strangely enough, provided no rain, and we also watched a hot presidential race that ultimately proved the old adage — no matter who you are you can become president. It was an interesting month.

November was a particularly crucial month in terms of gathering information. We discovered that alcohol has varying effects on humans. It turns some into Muhammed Ali (fighters), some into John Travolta (dancers), and yet others into would be Casanovas, all of who turn out to be ridiculous in their transformation. November was also a sad month because of my impending divorce — with my weed eater. The lurid details of that breakup are still pending.

Finally in December we were blessed with advice on the practical approaches to leaf maintenance (never when the wind is blowing), the ethical procedures involved in skinny dipping (no stealing of clothes), savvy Christmas gift ideas for discerning parents (knives, hatchets and shotguns), plus finishing off the year with a particularly necessary lesson on how to avoid eating horse doovers at holiday social outings — all topics of some importance.

Wonder what we’ll learn this year. Stay tuned.

E-mail your 2016 highlights to dar8589@bellsouth.net .