By the Chinese calendar my zodiac sign is a horse and the fortune telling portion of that sign predicts that among other things, I will be beset by some unhealthy body issues. That has turned out to be true and thus the Year of the Horse might also be referred to, in my case, as the Year of the Ear.

Let me explain. Over the past 12 months I’ve had multiple episodes directly related to these big appendages sticking out of my head. I’ve had a surgeon cut off part of my right ear because there was a growth in it, had several flare-ups of vertigo caused by glitches inside my ears (which caused me to be too drunk to fish) and most recently I’ve endured several weeks of stopped up ears.

To sum it up this most recent tribulation — I can’t hear from my ears.

Because of this series of setbacks I’ve decided to try writing a ballad on this topic and here it is – (To any tune you see fit):

I can’t hear from my ears,

And now I must wonderrr,

If I’ll ever hear it thunderrr,

Again….

That’s as far as I got because I couldn’t think up enough words that rhymed with the word “ears” to make it work. Considered the word “beer” but I can’t come up with a way to work it in.

Anyway.

This not being able to hear thing is kind of aggravating. I’m being laughed at on several fronts, the most notable being inside my own home. In order to hear the Braves on TV I have to turn the volume up really high. Laura came downstairs to the man-cave one night last week and said the floor of our house was vibrating so much that she thought it was an earthquake. So I had to turn it down. Then I had to watch the Braves lose without knowing what the announcers were saying about the ballgame.

I’m also taking some abuse on the golf course and down at the old fishing hole. Actually it’s kind of dangerous. Can’t hear anyone behind me yell “fore” and can’t hear my fishing partner say “watch out” when he accidentally snatches his treble hooked spoon out of the water and it comes heading toward my head like a bullet.

So I need some relief.

However there are perks. When Laura tells me to water the flowers or that my Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit is wrinkled I can just pretend I didn’t hear her, ignore it and move on. When one of my golf buddies makes a snide remark about a poor shot, I’m now totally immune to his efforts to rattle my nerves and shake my confidence. When the preacher starts sermonizing about a sin of which I’m guilty I don’t have to start squirming in my seat. Rather I can just blissfully sit there and nod my head like yep, you are exactly right, even though I can’t hear a word he’s saying.

So there are some small compensations to being partially hearing impaired but overall it is disadvantageous. I can no longer hear the birds sing, can’t hear the frogs when they crank up with their beautiful melody in the late evening nor can I enjoy the sweet sound of the little waterfall behind my pond.

Shoot I can’t even tell if my lawnmower is cranked up or not. Like my little mini-ballad said, I can’t hear it thunder. 

Speaking of lawnmowers I think this latest episode of severe ear stoppage actually originated with grass cutting. The week before all this started I’d mowed and cut weeds for five straight days snorting up enough grass, ragweed and just plain old dust to damage even the most resistant sinuses. That said I guess it should come as no great surprise that my ears, nose and throat revolted and I’ve been paying for it ever since.

But this time of year the grass is always growing so now when I head out to take care of that chore I look like a guy who’s trying to clean up a chemical spill. I’ve got me a space-age looking mask to cover my nose in the hopes that it will keep my sinuses at bay.

I finally secured an appointment with an ENT and I’m pretty he’s going to have a field day with me. Probably charge me a thousand dollars, give me some medicine and tell me to wear a mask when I cut grass.

I’m willing to pay, willing to take the medicine and willing to wear the mask — I just want to be able to hear it thunder again.

E-mail stories of your ailments to dar8589@bellsouth.net.