So this outfit called “Mylife” sent me a note saying “a negative record may have been found on your background report.”

And of course they wanted me to subscribe to a service for $30 a month and they will tell me who is accessing my information. 

May have been found? Well was it or was it not?

And what do these people define as negative? Did I snitch a watermelon when I was a kid?  Negative could be something as simple as voting for the wrong presidential candidate, or eating a big juicy steak and calling it vegetables because vegetables are what the cow ate. 

Anyways, I clicked on the button to check it out. Maybe it was fun, and I just can’t remember it.

Well when I hit “go,” stuff jumped all over the computer screen. A little blue bar progressed across the screen telling me how many pages of files were being reviewed.

 More than 200 million pages were said to have been scanned in just a matter of seconds.  I had no idea I had that many pages in my life. My life has been so simple I figured a few post-it notes would have sufficed.

There were all kinds of testimonials on there allegedly from people who were “surprised” to see that their lives were being viewed. 

My guess is though, these testimonials were made up. They quoted Judy from Kentucky.

Okay, give me Judy’s last name and address. Obviously you have that information. I mean that’s what you do, right?

When it got down to the bottom line where it said “read you report,” I clicked on it. And there came the price tag. 

Like I said, my life is basically simple. I’m sure there are a few things that would be considered bad decisions along the way, which could be defined as “negatives.” None of them were felonies and probably only a few were misdemeanors.

 I did seine the creek and run a few gill nets. I once found a moonshine stash. And yes, I took a sample. But I didn’t call the ATF. Hey, I saw “Thunder Road,” and I knew how serious those people take their craft.

Speaking of making bad decisions, I once bought an air-cooled outboard motor. We all push the stupid button sometimes. Among fishermen, there’s an old saying: “A friend doesn’t let another friend buy an  air-cooled outboard motor.”  It left me stranded “up the creek” so many times I eventually junked it.  

My experiences with that motor made me say things that I wouldn’t have wanted my mama to hear. It did teach me a lesson though. When you launch in the river, always go upstream. If all goes wrong, it’s easier to paddle with the current.

At the top of the computer page I was offered a special reduced price, but there was a clock ticking, and I only had a few minutes to take them up on the offer. And no, I didn’t. I’m not running for office so whether I inhaled or not is irrelevant.

I wonder how many people buy into these schemes?  Statistically, very few people run for public office. And if you do, there are those people out there who will dig up dirt on you for free. 

Oh yes! There was that time that my friends and I picked up a Volkswagen and placed it on cinder blocks.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)