Dwain Walden

When I first heard of “Insanity” I figured it was another reality show where Larry the Cable Guy would be performing brain surgery.

Well, it’s not that. It’s an exercise program. I think the Marines call it “boot camp.”  A rose by any other name ….

So I watched this infomercial, and I have no doubt that this program will do what it says it will do if you do what it says for you to do. And that probably holds true for all the fitness equipment I’ve bought over the years that later became clothes racks or a fancy device to hang five-gallon buckets on in my utility barn.

This Insanity thing I watched didn’t involve buying any kind of equipment, just the videos. I did notice that in the infomercial, most of those people getting fit seemed to be already fit. No one resembled Larry the Cable Guy.

I get a kick out of watching all the programs and equipment that are devised to get people in shape. You would think that they would have run the gamut by now. But no, routinely new ones are presented. They have things that look like a redesigned catapult. And there are others that are just big rubber bands with a lot of torque that you pull on. If those things had been around when I was a kid, corn cob wars would have taken on much greater dimension.

Today I saw programs via my email that basically said I could eat my way to a flat stomach. Sounds like an oxymoron.

One promoted five foods that you could eat to flatten your belly. Hay, orange peel, hickory nuts, corn cob salad and puree of shoe box. No I’m just kidding. But I’m guessing those things would work. I tried to go to that site but every time I clicked, it kept giving me pop ups on my screen. I figured it was going to be a while before I actually got to the core information so I stopped.  Hey, maybe that’s the trick. You stay on the site long enough, and you’ll miss a couple of meals. Ta da!

One site that I did get into gave me samples. It suggested grilled artichokes and grilled eggplant and portebello sandwich. I started to run right into the kitchen and whip up some of that stuff, but I realized we were out of portebello mushrooms and artichokes. So I made myself a note, “pick some mushrooms.” Then I made a second note, “get some pictures of the ones that are poisonous.”

Not long ago there was a program on television where a fitness expert was asked to rate various exercise devices. He said you didn’t need to buy all that stuff if you had determination to get fit. He gave examples of fitness routines using free stuff. Among them were staircases or doorsteps, the sidewalk, a barn rafter (pull ups), push ups and of course, “push aways.”

So I noticed the other day that my friend The Earl of Stumpworth by the Ochlocknee had lost a lot of weight. Now The Earl’s wife, The Earlene, is a great cook. So at first I thought he might have been ill. He said no, only The Earlene was ill because a pecan limb had fallen on their satellite dish. He said he was  on a program. So I asked which one he bought. And he said, “None.”

Then The Earl said he basically eats the same things he always ate, but only half as much. One drumstick instead of two. One helping of potato salad instead of two, etc. etc. And he said he took the Evinrude off his boat and now he rows it.

“Wow,” I said. “Have you thought about marketing that concept?”

And he told me that you can’t sell common sense. In fact, he said, you can’t even give it away. The Earl said if common sense was being sold over the counter, there would be congressional hearings to decide if it should be a controlled substance.

I told The Earl he should run for office. And The Earlene said, “Now that would be insanity.”

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)