I’ve just been informed via e-mail that I’m a candidate to be included in an “Inner Circle.” They even addressed me by name and spelled it correctly as opposed to “occupant.”

My first thought is: What will it cost me, and why do I want to be in a circle?

This is one of those “Who’s Who” things. And they tell me right up front that registration is free. To me that’s like saying, you can smell the food, but you can’t taste it until we have your debit card. I’m sure there would be a charge once I had been “empowered,” as the e-mail suggests.

Actually, I’ve never really given much thought to being in anyone’s circle … at least not officially. I didn’t even belong to a fraternity in college. I was working full time, going to school full time and trying to stay out of Vietnam full time. There was a loose-knit group of us that used to hang out at Underground Atlanta sometimes after night classes. We were an unofficial fraternity, I suppose … the Yabba Dabba Doo.

I’m already a member of a breakfast club, a church and I have a few laughs with the boys over at the pool room occasionally. So I’m not really impressed that after all these years I’m being invited to join someone’s “Inner Circle,” headquartered in New York City.

Supposedly, being in this “Inner Circle” will create “endless networking opportunities” for me.

Apparently these people haven’t done their homework. I’m already connected. At least three times a week I get correspondence from people in foreign countries who want me to help them slip money out of their homeland. I’m told I can have some of this money if I just give them my bank account number so they can deposit it. Strangely, when I tell them I’m more of a brown bag kind of guy and they can just leave it in a hollow log down at the crossroads, I get forwarded to another foreign country with more money to sneak out.

As well, I win several international lotteries every week. If I had actually collected all these winnings over the past few years, I could have bailed out AIG by myself … and paid their bonuses. So I’m assuming that if you can win lotteries that you didn’t even enter, then you must be really connected.

The registration form for the “Inner Circle” is really nice. It has a fancy typeface, kind of like what one would see on a graduation or wedding invitation. It makes it look like I’m being invited to join the Knights of the Round Table or something.

But the registration form is suspiciously simple. All they basically want is my name, phone number and address. And the last thing they ask for is my “area of expertise.”

Well, I’ve never really considered myself an expert at anything. I’m a fair shot on the dove field, I can play “Amazing Grace” on the piano, I can pick “Wildwood Flower” on the guitar, and I once broke a bird dog from being gun shy. And I was good at shooting marbles when I was a kid.

They said their preliminary finding is that I’m “outstanding in my field.” I’m willing to bet they don’t even know where my farm is.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@galfnews.com)