I’m switching monsters to pick on. Bigfoot is boring. It doesn’t reap any havoc, has learned to speak English, borrows garlic to keep off the ticks and before long will become an uninsured motorist. The only thing scary about that is the uninsured motorist thing.

I’m moving my cynicism over to the chupacabras now, given that they reportedly have migrated from South America into the U.S.

I saw a television special on the chupacabras the other night, and let me tell you that mescal and tequila can produce a much more bodacious creature than Jack Daniels. The difference comparison between the two monsters is akin to giving a politician just a pat on the back or instead giving him a large contribution and more power.

Translated, chupacabra means “goat sucker.” Its gains its legend by killing goats and sucking their blood. The images that have been drawn of them (like Bigfoot, no actual photos) shows this gargoyle-looking thing that has wings like a bat and fangs like a vampire. It looks like a crossbreed of an American and a Japanese monster movie. It has claws, a long tail and red eyes.

It wasn’t until November, 19, 1995, that a detailed description of chupacabras came from an “eyewitness,” according to this program. Through the end of 1995, chupacabras have been blamed for more than 1,000 mysterious animals deaths – all resulting from blood loss through one or more puncture wounds — similar, I think, to people who were mistaken as deer by novice hunters.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I believe in chupacabras. I’ve just gotten bored with the Bigfoot thing, especially after I got that call last week from someone who said one had been killed in Alabama and news teams were covering the event. Someone obviously had heard a couple of disc jockey’s bantering and thought they were reporting news.

Also, my e-mail has been swamped with Bigfoot hunters ever since I wrote that first tongue-n-cheek piece about Big Hairy. I’ve been called everything you can imagine except a chupacabra.

So by switching monsters to persecute, I figure I won’t be getting much e-mail from Mexican and Peruvian villagers about their experiences with chupacabras. But, if it is now showing up in the American Southwest, I’m sure one will be spotted on the road to Albuquerque where it no doubt will make a wrong turn.

So by turning my attention to the chupacabras, I define myself as one of those who believes if you’re going to make up a fairy tale or a comic book character, the give it some whammy. Wings, fangs, shape changing, fire belching, etc. That’s why I always preferred Superman over Batman. Batman couldn’t even fly. He just ran around town wearing a pair of leotards with a shower curtain tied around his neck. If he wanted to get past a tall object, he had to climb a rope or a fire escape. Superman could leap it or fly over it. If you give a character a cape and pajamas, then give him superpowers — not just a fancy car. Same with monsters.

Apparently this chupacabra thing can change shape quicker than a politician can change his statement. Bigfoot can’t do that. Bigfoot sometimes is posed in a missing link” posture. But the chupacabra belongs in a class of creature all by itself, not having scientific links to any known predator — except maybe agents for the Internal Revenue Service. (Just kidding. By the way, I don’t itemize. I take the short form.)

Of course the chupacabra enthusiasts think it’s something prehistoric that somehow survived millions of years without anyone noticing until now. Apparently it was airborne when all those meteorites hit.

I’m now waiting for a theory that the return to the American Southwest is linked to aliens that were supposed to have crashed in New Mexico many years ago. I’m not trying to spread a rumor, I just like a good story — with fangs.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)