There’s lots of scams going around on the internet these days. One came to me today that was so hokey, it could have involved a skit with Don Knotts and Tim Conway.

Some yahoo named Cynthia Moore sent me an e-mail telling me “congratulations” — that I was one of 17 people from around the world who was chosen to share a portion of $80 million in an international lottery. She said my $5.5 million had been set aside and was being held in a security account (hee hee).

I was told to contact another yahoo named Jason Dobson at jasondobson.fastermail.com to set up the arrangements for the transfer of my winnings.

Now here’s a little side note: One of my colleagues also is a winner. But she was only entitled to $1.5 million.

Now if there were only 17 winners worldwide, what are the chances that two of them would be from Moultrie, Ga., and both of them would be working at the same business? Incredible, isn’t it? We’re waiting for an appearance on The Tonight Show. I want to pick a little guitar with Kevin Eubanks.

This lottery was called the SUN SWEET-WIN INTERNET PROMO LOTTERY, THE NETHERLANDS INTERNATIONAL.

The scam here was quite clear. Someone wanted me to give them my bank account number so they could transfer funds into it. (More hee hee.)

Just for the fun of it, I e-mailed this Jason Dobson and simply told them to send me my winnings. A cashier’s check, certified check or even a big suitcase filled with cash would do. No, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. He’s not getting my bank account number.

Shortly afterward, here’s the message I got back complete with the incorrect spellings, lousy punctuation and funky grammar:

“DEAR DWAIN,

WE COULD NOT FOUND YOUR NAME IN OUR CORRESPONDENCE WINERS LIST .PLEASE COULD YOU STOP THE CLAIMED .CONSEQUENCTLY,YOU WILL BE REPORTED TO THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY.BE WARNED.

That’s when I got my biggest laugh. Oooooh! I be warned!

This all looked like a third grader had attempted to write a ransom note on an ice cream wrapper. Or maybe a Californian was trying to fill out his candidacy form.

So I told this Jason fellow that he didn’t have to bother to call the police, because I already had notified the FBI, the CIA, the sheriff’s department and the Ludowici Home Guard Unit, any one of which was fully capable of taking his crayons away from him.

Like I said, the scams are myriad.

It wasn’t that long ago that some people got hoodwinked into believing that they had won a lottery in Canada. And to cut through the red tape of monetary exchanges, they would have to put up a little cash to process the winnings over the border.

The first clue to those who got flim flammed should have been that they hadn’t entered this lottery, so their chances of winning would be very remote — maybe not as remote as Larry Flynt being elected governor of California, but way out there on the very edge. What I mean is, you shouldn’t expect a hotdog if you haven’t put a wiener on the grill.

Now I have no idea why this Jason fellow told me the police would be notified. That’s kind of like a dumb-as-dirt bank robber pulling out his comb and yelling, “Put your money in the air, this is a screwup!”

By the way, Larry Flynt’s chances of winning the California governor’s race are remote, aren’t they?



Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com