Sometimes we hear people say things that if interpreted literally would render the comments totally useless.

At least a half dozen times this past week I’ve heard news analysts say, “If the election were held tomorrow, voters say they would choose Mr. Smith.”

Actually, if the election were held tomorrow, a lot of people would be caught totally by surprise, given that the general election is not until November. There probably would be a very poor voter turnout.

That’s kind of like someone saying, “If I were president, I would do this and that.” Neither one of the above are going to happen. Sometimes even after someone is elected president they don’t do “this and that.”

But supposition and scenario are a big part of our lives. We make references, draw analogies and lean on parables even when we don’t realize we are doing it. And some of them are worthless, just like “if the election were held tomorrow.” Remember, if a frog had wings ….

As a kid, I often would hear the expression “as the crow flies” when someone was describing distance. That expression was totally irrelevant because none of us could fly like a crow, or a hawk or even a hummingbird. We traveled on the roads.

Basically that expression meant if you cut across the field, went through the woods and waded the creek then it’s two miles shorter. But who would leave his vehicle, get all scratched up with briars and get his britches soaked crossing the creek. And besides, who cares if a crow gets there first?

Through the years, I’ve learned that while some people are fascinated with politics, others are fascinated with distance and time — the two subjects not being totally unrelated. Indeed, some candidates may have wished the election was tomorrow or that they could get there as the crow flies rather than having to make all those stops and face all those people.

I once knew a fellow who was obsessed with distance and time. If you went to Atlanta, he would want to know which way you went. Just to aggravate him, I would say north. To him, saving 15 minutes going to Atlanta was like guessing all the words on “Wheel Of Fortune.” It would get plumb giddy.

To this person, time seemingly was always of the essence. If you told him you had just gone to the outhouse, he would have wanted to know: “Did you cut through the chicken yard or go by the hay barn?” I’m not sure but he may even have asked someone, “If nature called right now, which route would you take?” And to be honest, this might be the one instance where the expression “as the crow flies” could have some practical application.

This thing about time and distance could have its roots back in grammar school math with that old question about a train leaving Chicago at 4 p.m. traveling at 60 miles per hour and another leaving Detroit at 3 p.m. traveling 50 miles per hour. At what time would each get to New York City? I don’t think they use that in math anymore because there are very few trains left, and now you would have to factor in the great possibility of a derailment, which brings in calculus that typically is taught in higher grades.

Now chances are, someone is going to call me tomorrow and ask me who is Mr. Smith? Well, that was just a neutral example — not a real candidate.

And someone else is likely to say that no one is that dumb — no one would think that a Mr. Smith is suddenly in the presidential race.

Well, you would think so. But recently I had a person call to ask if you could catch a virus over the internet?

I said, “No ma’am. But I’ve heard that the internet can inspire relationships, and you might want to be careful about viruses at that point.”



(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com.)