Maybe life really is a numbers game

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February 6, 2010

Dwain Walden The Moultrie Observer Sat Feb 06, 2010, 10:53 PM EST

I’ve been a Baptist all my life, and I have noticed over the years that we Baptists are big on numbers. If there’s something that can be counted, we will count it and write it down. I don’t know just where all these numbers go or why we think they are so important, but we’re good at it.

I recall growing up in our little country church where we tallied a lot of line items such as how many people brought their Bibles, how many studied their Sunday School lessons, how many gave offerings, how much offering was given, how many attended Sunday School, how many attended worship services, how many attended Training Union, etc., etc. And we posted all of this so everyone could see it. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone even kept up with how many bad combovers and how many ugly neckties we averaged in one year. Yes, I’m being facetious. We don’t actually count those. But we do talk about them at dinner.

Yep, we have people in charge of numbers. And now that we have electronic data bases, there’s no telling how many forests we have saved.

I’ve often wondered what would happen if we didn’t count all this stuff. Is there a sign somewhere in the cosmos that would flash “tilt?” Would John the Baptist think less of us?

But in all fairness, I’ve come to learn that we Baptists are not the only folks who count a lot of stuff. There are other people just as fascinated with meaningless data.

Did you know that three people die each year testing if a 9 volt battery works on their tongue? I thought this was silly until I remembered we had to rush a reporter to the hospital many years ago because he was chewing on a battery and it cracked open.

How about this: Eight people cracked their skulls in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet. And you won’t read this warning on a bottle of tequila, so just pass it around by word of mouth if you have the opportunity.

In 1998, 18 people had serious burns while trying on a new pull-over sweater with a lit cigarette in their mouth. So add this danger to lung cancer, heart disease and emphysema. And imagine what these numbers would be if they had been tabulated back in the 60s during the mohair craze.

Also in 1998, 142 people were injured by wearing new shirts that still had pins in them.

On average, 58 people are injured each year from using a knife instead of a screwdriver. And this doesn’t even factor armed robberies. Also, 19 people have died in the last three years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Now quite often I’ve poked fun at some warning labels. But apparently because we have people who keep up with all sorts of numbers in this regard, we realize that man is a fragile creature and such data can have socially redeeming value. Of course, I wonder how much correlation has been done with these numbers.

What I mean is, how many of those people who cracked their skulls hugging the toilet were the same ones who ate the Christmas decorations thinking they were chocolate? Further, how many of these people who actually survived these incidents got elected to public office?

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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