Make the best of a bad situation

Opinion

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November 11, 2009

Dwain Walden The Moultrie Observer Wed Nov 11, 2009, 10:52 PM EST

A few days ago I wrote about the growing problem of Burmese pythons in South Florida. And I said I didn’t know how PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) would stand on eradication efforts. Well now I know. PETA e-mailed me and told me they would not object to the snakes being captured and euthanized and they support stiff regulations being imposed on owning exotic animals.

And I can appreciate their position although I also don’t have any problem with hunters being allowed to eradicate them. My position is greatly factored by the fact that these behemoth reptiles are not in my backyard.

So now I’m thinking that the chambers of commerce in South Florida could pull a real coup if they seized the moment —that moment being St. Patrick’s Day— and held festivals around the legend that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

Now the history of St. Patrick is rather sketchy and probably is as much folk lore as fact. Some historians say that St. Patrick’s issue with the snakes is purely metaphorical to describe his efforts against paganism. Unfortunately for the people of South Florida, the pythons are not metaphorical. Metaphors can’t eat you for lunch.

By the way, there are no snakes in Ireland. Biologists say that has to do with geography more than St. Patrick.

Now I would bet some ingenious people could turn this snake thing into money if they tied the python problem with St. Patrick’s Day (March 15). They could hold contests to see who could capture the biggest python, the most pythons and who could make the prettiest python boots.

I would be careful though about having coloring contests for kids. The Bambi syndrome could put a damper on the whole event.

Perhaps the food vendors could get in on this. I’ve tried fried rattlesnake. And I would eat it as a matter of survival, but I wouldn’t order it in a restaurant. However, I have concluded that if you put enough hot sauce on road kill it might taste good as well. You know that in Tennessee, a law was passed to allow motorists to claim road kill. And in Mississippi someone asked, “You need a law for that?” Just kiddin’.

I’m thinking this thing could go over really big. What I mean is, there are places that promote Bigfoot as a tourist attraction. At least the pythons are real.

Did you know that Skamania County, Wash., passed a law back in 1969 that will earn you a $10,000 fine and a five year jail sentence if you kill or harm a Bigfoot? It’s just a hunch, but I would bet that’s the best obeyed law in Skamania County.

As you may know, I’ve been chastised across the nation and around the world for poohpooing the concept of Bigfoot. I’ve even been invited to go on a Bigfoot search in Texas. I declined because I needed to stay home and put new strings on my guitar.

Now I don’t know how many Irish there are in South Florida but I think a lot of people can find an excuse to drink green beer and Irish whisky. And some poetic license I’m sure could be applied. If St. Patrick can use a good metaphor, why not Kissimmee? Make the best of a bad situation, I say. Remember where you heard it first.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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