I’ll just watch from a safe distance

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November 4, 2009

Dwain Walden The Moultrie Observer Wed Nov 04, 2009, 10:02 PM EST

Today I read where “expert” snake hunters snared 37 Burmese pythons during a trial hunting season in South Florida. These boogers can get to be as big around as an irrigation pipe and as long as two bass boats.

This invasive snake population is estimated in the tens of thousands. Reptile experts say the problem stems from pet snakes that were released into the Florida wilds. Now I find the term “pet snake” as a contradiction in terms. I understand their place in nature but not in my house.

And it’s feared that these snakes will upset the Florida ecosystem.

But I think there’s another danger that hasn’t been considered. Just imagine two good old boys out there in their jon boat, hauling bass out of a canal. Something very large slithers toward their boat. It probably smelled the Vienna sausages. Chances are, they have had a few beers and suddenly they think they are extras in a Tarzan movie. They start flailing around in the boat, yelling and screaming for help, slinging treble hooks and otherwise creating havoc. They could get hurt.

I don’t really know what an “expert” snake hunter is in this regard. Down in Whigham, Ga., I once hunted rattlesnakes as a rite of assage until I found a few, and I realized that it really wasn’t fun. Standing at a gopher hole with a plastic hose to your ear with a rattlesnake singing his rattles on the other end is not a natural thing. Even though I knew that rattlesnakes couldn’t crawl up that hose, my imagination would override my logic and would cause bad dreams. I would wake up and run to the bathroom mirror sure to find fang marks on my ear.

But even on my worst day of hunting rattlesnakes, I felt the endeavor to be manageable. I could not possibly think that, however, if I was hunting something that could eat a good size pig for breakfast.

Now the fact that pythons are not poisonous is not germain to this issue in my book. The fact that they can squeeze you to death and have you for lunch is. You can get treated for a rattlesnake bite, but once you’ve been eaten ... well, you get the picture, although you might debunk anyone’s notion that you would never amount to poop.

I haven’t heard where PETA stands on this issue. But I also won’t be surprised if they come out in favor of the pythons. Snakes could actually become a political issue rather than just being reference to a politician.

And I’m sure someone is already working on some lawyer/snake jokes. (To my lawyer friends, I have not come up with any ... yet.) But if I did, it probably woud have to do with lawyers not hunting these snakes out of professional courtesy. And I’m sure there are some lawyers who could write a few jokes about journalists.

I guess I respect those people who will hunt these snakes. But in that vein there’s several things you will never read about me. They include me being found frozen on some mountain peak, my parachute not opening, my bungi cord being six feet too long and me being eaten while trying to capture a 20-foot Burmese python. And you can take that to the bank, or bury it in your back yard if you find that applicable.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of the Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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