Lots of mysteries, and so little time to ponder them

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September 19, 2009

Dwain Walden The Moultrie Observer Sat Sep 19, 2009, 09:59 PM EDT

It was another one of those nights when I couldn’t sleep. So at 3:30 a.m. I’m trying to find something on cable worth watching. It wasn’t there.

But still, I surf the channels. And suddenly this occurred to me — I’ve never seen a television with a Channel 1. Why is that?

My friend, The Earl of Stumworth by the Ochlocknee, insists that there is a Channel 1, but you can’t see it. He thinks that’s the secret channel that the federal government uses to watch us.

So I asked him just what the federal government could learn by watching someone watching television. It’s not like anyone would be drawing up plans to overthrow the government while watching Andy Griffith reruns. The most the feds could learn would be how many Cheetos crumbs your navel can hold.

So this led to further discussion about other mysteries in life.

For instance, while do we call it “after dark” when actually it is “after light?” And why do we never hear anyone ask, “who left the dark on?”

Why is it that when you’re driving around looking for an address you turn the volume of the radio down?

If another Civil War should occur in the United States, would there be a TV commentator in Romania whose credentials would be an “expert on New Jersey?”

The mysteries didn’t just start yesterday. Some go way back to nursery rhymes. For instance, why did Yankee Doodle name a feather in this hat Macaroni?” What was that songwriter smoking way back then? That was pre-Bob Dylan.

And what were three men doing floating around in the ocean in a tub? Just what was inferred by the words “Rub A Dub Dub?”

In that song, “She’ll Be Coming Around The Mountain,” who is she? I’m surprised that there hasn’t been a federally funded study to find out.

Now perhaps there was socially redeeming value in its design, but do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

On those little packages of catsup at the fast food restaurants, why doesn’t it say “gnaw here.”

And I have asked this question many, many times. Why haven’t they invented cleaning fluids that smell like Aqua Velva to use in nursing homes?

I did find one good old movie during the wee hours. It was “The Exorcist.” But it prompted even more questions, like: “If you failed to pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?”

And because I tend to have refreshments while watching television, why are those little tiny candy bars called “fun size?” Wouldn’t it be more fun to have a large bar? Speaking of size, why are there so many commercials about Enzyte and Extenze on at 3:30 a.m.?

So I finally settle on C-Span and some congressman is talking and there’s only about three other people in the room. Was there a fire drill and he didn’t get the message?

And suddenly this occurred to me. In America — thanks to Congress — there are ten thousand laws to basically enforce the Ten Commandments. Go figure.

Enough mystery for today, I think.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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