Bigfoot now a slapstick comedian

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September 6, 2008

Dwain Walden The Moultrie Observer Sat Sep 06, 2008, 09:22 PM EDT

My new favorite television commercial is “Messing With Sasquatch.” I don’t even recall what they are trying to sell because I’m so distracted with the brief story line of some yahoos teasing this big hairy creature.

Now this has to be a serious affront to all Bigfoot believers. Their quest has been turned into a slapstick comedy.

The most recent episode of this commercial has Bigfoot chasing a rabbit out of the bushes onto a golf course. Two golfers give the creature a beer, but before they do, they shake it up. When it pops the top, the suds explode into its face. The golfers burst out laughing and jump into their cart to get away. But Bigfoot grabs the cart and flips them over.

Notice that I am referring to Bigfoot here as “it” and “the creature.” I do that because I don’t know if it’s a him or a her. You see, I think all Bigfeet are portrayed as being male, which of course would invalidate the concept that they actually exist because of the reproduction issue.

In none of the television specials regarding the pursuit of this creature have I seen anyone actually discuss the sex of this alleged creature. Maybe that’s because they don’t sell big monkey suits at costume stores by the gender. I guess you could put a skirt on one. And you might say that’s really farfetched. But, when you consider the woman up in Kentucky or Tennessee (I’m not sure exactly where it was, except this one wasn’t in Georgia) who said one knocked on her door and asked to borrow bug spray, well maybe putting one in a skirt is not outside the parameters of this well-perpetuated folklore.

The other night, between the 147th airing of “Jaws” and the 44-magnum displays of “Dirty Harry,” they slipped in another Bigfoot-Skunk Ape-Swamp Thang documentary. And a woman on this program clarified that she was not a Bigfoot believer, noting that she was a Bigfoot “researcher.” This would suggests that the world of Bigfootdom only consists of those two categories. But not so. We must note that there also are Bigfoot con artists. In fact, we just had that infamous episode here in Georgia where the two guys sold a frozen gorilla suit in such a sham. Now this could have been very embarrassing to the State of Georgia, except that we had quite a distraction here in South Georgia with an alleged pyramid scheme, versions of which have been around about as long as the Bigfoot legends. At least the two Bigfoot entrepreneurs had a product to sell, even if it was a frozen gorilla suit.

And now that Bigfoot may be challenging the Road Runner cartoon in terms of levity, watch out up in Maine for another possible sham.In the town of East Machias, an 8-foot mechanical gorilla outside a flea market store is missing.

“Who the h... would steal a gorilla as heavy as that one was? asked owner Lowell Miller. Well, Mr. Miller, do you watch much television?

Police theorize that the mechanical gorilla is probably in some college dorm room. And there’s a new twist to the comedy, “Bigfoot Goes to College.”

I can’t wait to see what the next “Messing With Sasquatch” episode will be. I can imagine, though, the creature pulling up to a service station in a log truck, pitching a fit over the price of gasoline and ripping the pumps right out of the concrete.

And next time, I must pay attention to what the advertisements are trying to sell.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545.E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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