Feats with no practical application

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July 12, 2008

Dwain Walden The Moultrie Observer Sat Jul 12, 2008, 10:54 PM EDT

I’ve come to the conclusion that all the stuff in the Guinness Book of World Records is as useless as teats on a boar hog or a politician swearing on a Bible.

This week, Brian “Young gun” Krause out spit his father to claim his seventh victory at the International Cherry Pit Spitting Championship. I guess the cherry didn’t fall far from the tree.

Keep in mind now, these are cherry pitts. They are not watermelon seeds or tobacco juice or snuff slobber. To be in the Guinness Book, you have to specialize. His distance was almost 57 feet. I wonder if they have spotters like the military snipers use ... you know, to factor crosswind, humidity and the chances of a mocking bird getting in the way?

The only time I could see this skill coming in handy would be if you got hold of a really bad raw oyster.

Also this week, hundreds of people in Fort Scott, Kan., are trying to set a record of the longest line of pennies — a 40-mile chain. And they’ve got to beat the previous time of two hours, 24 minutes and 15 seconds held by a group of students in England.

Now this is not happening in one-straight line, of course. With copper thefts being what they are these days, they wouldn’t make it two blocks before the chain would have severe gaps in it. It’s all going to be done in a parking lot.

And while we’re on the subject, here’s a question:

Why do you have to “put your two cents worth in”... but it's only a “penny for your thoughts”? What happened to the other penny?

I’m assuming it has to do with inflation. Or maybe it was those copper thieves.

Probably, those people who set these records have some fun doing it. But who cares that someone would build a sandwich the length of a football field? It’s just a bunch of small sandwiches tied together. It’s not like they make buns that long.

And besides, out in the sun that long you could get E. coli or salmonella. Maybe there’s a Guinness category of how many people got sick eating a large sandwich.

There’s just no practical application for any of the feats in this Guinness Book.

And while we’re talking about practical application, if the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Or maybe there is no relevance for my questions. I’ve have been accused by my chief critic of rambling. So while I’m here, how is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

(These are questions passed onto me by readers, and I feel obligated to share them with you.)

Now back to Guinness.

Why not have a different book of Guinness where people are actually honored for a feat that will have a positive impact on mankind.

How about a category for a car that has 200 horsepower and still gets 50 miles per gallon? How about the largest grouping of kids who can hold their pants up above their butts?

Or how about one for the first intercom speaker at a drive-through restaurant where “supersize” doesn’t sound like “circumcise?”

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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