I was going to let the Bigfoot thing alone for awhile. But two programs were on television last night at the same time that gave me more amusement than the comedy channel.

These Bigfoot stories came from Texas, Tennessee, Florida, Oklahoma and the Pacific Northwest. “They’re everywhere! They’re everywhere!”

My biggest laughter comes from the mountains of East Tennessee. This particular Bigfoot is a friendly sort, and one mountain woman claims to have been raised alongside a family of Bigfoots. She described (Channel 77 on my cable) how one came knocking on her door and asked to borrow some garlic. This Bigfoot spoke English. She said she thought the garlic was to help keep away ticks. She said he said “thank you” in a very deep voice. But I’m thinking it might have been the baritone singer for the Oak Ridge Boys, and her natural cures for arthritis were kicking in.

Then she went on to describe how she had watched this family of Bigfoots chase down a deer and butcher it. This commentary had a Bigfoot specialist from Russia on hand to compare notes with her. He re-enacted how the Bigfoot caught and killed the deer. Very fittingly, the Russian’s name was Igor.

Given the vernacular of this account, I’m surprised this Bigfoot didn’t also play the banjo.

This woman said she realized that a lot of people doubted her, especially when she said this Bigfoot spoke English. Of course my wife asked me what would I expect an American Bigfoot to speak ... French?

Well, this mountain woman is right about the doubt. I was cutting her some slack because of the ointments she probably uses, but that ended when she said Bigfoot asked to borrow some garlic. And anyway, I would think it was for cholesterol, not ticks.

Then down in the Everglades (Channel 82) these fellows were searching for the “Skunk Ape.” This apparently is Bigfoot’s third cousin.

The boys looking for the “Skunk Ape” in Florida say they want to verify the creature’s existence so they can help protect its environment. Such a noble cause.

But in Texas, the Bigfoot hunters are taking a different approach. Their spokesman said he wanted to kill a Bigfoot so he could prove to the world that they exist. And then he would seek to preserve its habitat. So instead of cameras, they — including at least one woman — go into the bush with pump shotguns. Good thing they are not hunting for one in Tennessee. I would guess that a Bigfoot that can speak English and borrow garlic can also return fire.

Then up in Oklahoma, Bigfoot searchers were gathering at a place called “Monster Central.” Now get this, Monster Central is only 60 acres. That’s about the size of a small amusement park — all pun intended. Now if this creature can be stealth in that small of an area, the U.S. military should be studying its techniques. But then it could be that 60 acres is all that is owned by the guy promoting monsters. Ya think?

I have a suggestion for these people. Pool all the money you are spending on beer and marshmallows for these outings and rent some thermal imaging equipment. Surely in a 60-acre patch, you can apply this technology to your advantage. We have guys who can find a golf ball in 60 acres of rough with just two beers.

One real scientist was interviewed in this entire comedy routine. He managed to keep a straight face long enough to say that there is no scientific data to support any of these claims. I think the reason he kept from rolling in the floor laughing was because no one specifically asked him about the English-speaking Bigfoot that asked to borrow some garlic.

My offer still stands, $50 for anyone who can prove Bigfoot. Better hurry, you know the value of the dollar.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)