The dog never ate my homework

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July 1, 2009

Dwain Walden The Moultrie Observer Wed Jul 01, 2009, 11:10 PM EDT

When I was a kid, I could never use the excuse “the dog ate my homework.” The reason is really simple. Mama wouldn’t let dogs in the house. In fact where I grew up, I didn’t know anyone who let dogs in their houses.

You see out in the country, most of our dogs were hunting dogs or herding dogs, and they all had a particular ambiance about them that screamed “essence of barnyard” or perhaps “midnight stumpwater.”

All my life I had heard that expression about dogs eating homework. I did have a dog to eat the pocket out of my outfielder’s glove because I left it on the tailgate of the pickup, and yes one chewed the wiring off my boat trailer. But I’m not even sure if I had put my homework on the back porch if Tuffy, Spot or Bullet would have bothered with it. An essay on John Milton simply does not compare with roadkill. There was a “disstink” difference.

I was grown and married before we ever had a dog in the house. Of course these were dogs that were bathed regularly. But they were still hunting and heard dogs — Brittanies and border collies.

Our Britany named Fancy was actually a weather dog. She would go berserk when a storm was brewing. The sky could be clear, and she would start getting nervous and trying to hide in a closet. I’m not sure how far out Doppler radar reaches, but Fancy could hear it thunder in west Alabama. She would get so nervous and wild, our veterinarian prescribed tranquilizers. But unfortunately, she still acted the same. The only difference was that she staggered while she was doing it. So I took the tranquilizers and she seemed so much better.

Now I read where the “dog ate my homework” excuse is still around but has mutated somewhat.

A woman in Arlington, Wash., has been accused of dipping into her ex-husband’s bank account without permission.

She said her dog got into her purse and ate all her personal checks. Not just one check or three checks, the dog supposedly ate all her checks. She told investigators she had no choice but to take money from her ex-husband’s account.

Then comes another twist in canine intervention. An Eau Claire, Wis., teenager missed a trip to Peru because his dog chewed up his passport. And in this case it actually happened. Officials at O’Hare looked at the chewed document and told him it was okay. But at Miami, airport officials rejected it. The teen said he did not have hard feelings against his dog Sunshine. “I love her too much,” he said.

So here’s a ready- made commercial. I don’t know what missing the Peru trip with his Spanish class would be valued at, but young John Meier’s response is priceless. A kid who loves his dog that much might become a great leader one day. Or, he’ll learn to turn around three times before he sits down.

So at least once in modern history, the “dog ate my homework” excuse was for real.

I’m surprised when asked where all that money went, Bernie Madoff didn’t try “the dog ate it” routine. But not even a 101 Dalmatians scenario could have digested all he “madeoff” with.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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